Parseltongue Lets Me Talk To WHAT?
by Tezza1502
Summary: WARNING! Do not read this fic. EVER! Gratuitous juvenile crude humour inside. Also bad language, and other sundry naughtiness. Your better off reading something else. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! So don't blame me if you hate it. Further warnings inside. 08/07/2012- The horror is finished. COMPLETE!
1. Introductions

**Parseltongue lets me talk to **_**What?**_

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe is owned by J. K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, and Warner Brothers Pictures, amongst others. I only own the few brain cells I haven't managed to kill off or drive away screaming yet.

Notes: _Oh boy._

Not really clear on exactly _how _I first thought of this one. Suffice to say, it probably went something like; 'hmm, Harry can talk to snakes. Where can I go with that?' (Author muses to himself as he rearranges his meat & two veg unconsciously.) 'Hey, wait a minute! What about him talking to _trouser _snakes?'

I fear my own brain sometimes…

Anyhoo, here it is. Not to be taken even remotely seriously, nor on an empty stomach. Nominally during fifth year, but totally AU. (Obviously.)

**WARNING**: Swearing, disturbing situations and an overly-gratuitous quantity of penis humour lies ahead. If this isn't your sort of thing, head back to the main page _**NOW! **_

_**^Parseltongue^**_

_**#Harry's, well, you'll figure it out soon enough#**_

-:_Not_ Harry's you know:-

* * *

**CHAPTER ONE:- INTRODUCTIONS**

It was the summer break before Harry Potter's fifth year at Hogwarts.

And it had been the loneliest one yet!

He had not had meaningful contact with his friends from the magical school he went to since it had finished for the summer. All he could get out of them were short letters telling him that they couldn't tell him anything, and that he should be patient. Which was rather hard to do, when the monster who had murdered his parents had managed to resurrect himself recently. And using Harry's blood, to boot.

Knowing that your pretty much in first place on the shit list of the world's most deranged magical murderer was not conducive to a good night's sleep, in Harry's opinion. Especially when one seemed to have a magical mental connection to said nut job.

So, to try and combat the utter boredom and frustration he was experiencing, he had been experimenting with what he knew of magic. He couldn't use his wand without the Ministry of Magic coming down on his bony arse. He'd re-read his school books when he had a spare moment, from first year up. And by the third week of his incarceration, er, _visit, _with his darling relatives, Harry had gotten _really _bored.

So he'd begun speaking Parseltongue to every snake he could find in the neighbourhood.

It had started out as a random thought about maybe rallying snakes to his banner, and sending them out to do his bidding. You know, spy for him. Or becoming his silent assassins. Sadly, snakes are really only interested in keeping warm, eating, reproducing, and divulging the occasional bit of gossip. Unless he was willing to indulge in some rather dark blood rituals to bind them to his service, as Voldemort had done to Nagini, Harry was pretty much out of luck. Still, they were more scintillating conversationalists than his uncle Vernon, aunt Petunia, and cousin Dudley.

After having a brief conversation with a passing garden snake, Harry had slumped down on to a swing set near his house, his head facing his lap. He was so dispirited that he couldn't even be bothered trying to find some protection from the sweltering heatwave currently broiling the country.

_**^Bloody hell, its hot!^ **_Harry grumbled in Parseltongue.

_**#Preaching to the converted, dude.# **_A voice replied. _**#I'm melting down here.#**_

_**^Huh!^ **_Harry looked around, trying to see the snake that was talking to him now. Which was odd, since they usually waited for him to speak to them first.

_**#And would it kill you to give me a scratch every now and again. Maybe shift the twins a little. I've been in this one position for so long, I'm starting to cramp up!#**_

_**^Who said that?^ **_Harry hissed, both curious and annoyed at the same time.

_**#…Holy crap!# **_Came a surprised reply. _**#You can hear me?# **_

_**^Um, yeah. Your practically shouting in my ear.^**_

_**#But…but…How?#**_

_**^Um, cause you're a snake?^ **_Harry ventured.

The voice snorted in amusement. _**#I s'pose I might qualify, if you stretch the definition of a snake in a weird direction. Although usually I'm only called that as a joke.#**_

_**^Huh?^ **_Harry asked eloquently.

_**#You know! A Trouser Snake?#**_

_**^What?^ **_

_**#Oh for heaven's sake, we'll be here all day waiting for you to figure it out.# **_The voice sounded like it was rolling it's eyes at him._** #I'm in your pants.#**_

"Waaaaah!" Harry sprung to his feet and started shaking his pant legs while trying to strip them off himself. "Get out get out get out getoutgetoutgetoutgetout!"

_**#Ow! Stop! Ouch! Quit it! Erk! Cut it out!# **_The voice shouted painfully. _**#STOP! YOUR BRUISING ME!#**_

Harry paused. He then belatedly noticed that there was no sensation of something slithering around his trousers. He looked down. "What the…?" The voice was coming from inside his threadbare boxers.

_**#Hope the ladies have that reaction when you finally get around to introducing me to one.# **_The amused voice replied. _**#And in a 'Ain't no way that's gonna fit without a stick of butter involved' kinda way too.#**_

_**^No. No way in hell.^**_

_**#Go on. Say it!#**_

_**^Why is my…my…?^**_

_**#Say it.#**_

Harry took a deep breath. _**^Why is my **__**dick**__** talking to me?^**_

_**#Another question would be, why is the dick I'm attached to talking to **__**me?**__**# **_Came the smart-arse reply.

_**^Hey!^**_

_**#Ho, how do you do.#**_

_**^What?^**_

_**#I get that a lot.#**_

_**^Huh?^ **_Harry was getting confused. _**^Seriously, How can I be talking to my, um…^**_

_**#Knob? Wang? Dong? Junk? Willie? Johnson? Shlong? Tallywacker? Skin Flute? Meat bat? Love Truncheon? Baloney Pony? Block 'n Tackle? Beaver Basher? Family Jewels? Captain Winky? Meat Thermometer? Bed Snake? Meat and Two Veg? Albino Cave Dweller? Beater's Bat and Quaffles? 'Other' Wand? Pork Sword? Wizard's Staff? Cum Gun? Purple-Headed Womb Broom? Groin Ferret?# **_

_**^um, yeah.^ **_Harry was beyond disturbed that his genitalia actually knew so many synonyms for itself.

_**#No idea. You're the one that possesses the brain in this relationship, supposedly. You tell me.#**_

_**^Hey! No need to get sarcastic.^ **_Harry hissed.

_**#Oh fine. Best guess? Magic.#**_

Harry rolled his eyes. _**^Really? How'd I miss that one? And how would that even work anyway?^**_

_**#**_**This **_**from the guy who's been talking to reptiles with brains the size of a small pea all day.# **_Harry's crotch snorted. _**#You tell me. You're the bloody wizard.#**_

'_Where's Hermione to explain things to me when I really need her.' _He thought to himself.

_**#Who? Oh, the messy-haired Goddess of Knowledge. Why aren't you tapping that yet? She'd have you wedged in a broom closet in an instant, I recon.# **_It suggested lustily. _**#Or a quiet corner of the library.# **_

_**^Don't talk about Hermione like that!^**_

_**#Oh come on, you **_**have **_**noticed that she's a girl, haven't you? That ride on the Hippogriff to free Sirius in third year should have clued you in, big time.# **_Harry heard a contented sigh, as they both recalled that ride. Hermione had been holding on to him from behind _very _tightly. And her excitement/terror over what they were doing had been quite obvious. _**#Never has being stabbed in the back felt so pleasant.# **_

Harry sputtered incoherently.

_**#If you'da had half a brain, you would have grabbed a feel while you two were hugging, during the Tri-Wiz that time, as well.# **_It groused, referring to the short embrace Harry and Hermione had shared, just after the first task of the Tri-Wizard Tournament. _**#Or scored a dance at the Yule Ball. Plenty of chances for some 'close dancing' there. "Oh, I'm sorry! Did I just happen to accidentally rub against you during a twirl? Silly me!"# **_Harry's crotch said in an faux-innocent voice, clearly warming up to the subject. _**#Or, you could have stuck with Parvati. And her sister, Padma. Rowr! Hotties in sari's.# **_It drooled a bit, then sighed. _**#But no, you spent most of the night with Ron, of all people. He was even 'what you'll sorely miss.'# **_The voice paused, as if considering a line of thought that hadn't occurred to it before. _**#Hmm… Is there something you want to admit to me? You know, man to penis. And its okay. I wont judge you, or treat you any differently.# **_

_**^What? No!^ **_Harry shouted indignantly. _**^And don't talk about my friends like that!^ **_

_**#Why not? It's just the two of us here. It's okay to think dirty thoughts.# **_It whispered in a conspiratorial manner. _**#Let it out. I won't tell a soul.#**_

_**^It's…it's…disrespectful.^ **_Harry sputtered.

_**#You know, it really **__**is**__** okay to think dirty thoughts about girls every now and again. It won't kill you.# **_It sighed. _**#You need to shake hands with me more often.# **_

Harry sighed back. _**^I have issues about that.^**_

_**#No kidding! I'd probably shoot nothing but cobwebs right now.#**_ Another random thought struck it right then. _**#Although that could be fun, too.#**_

Harry decided that his L'il Harry needed a reminder about a few things. _**^Do you remember the day after my ninth birthday?^**_

_**#Yeah.# **_L'il Harry said warily, not quite sure where this was going.

_**^Do you remember aunt Petunia catching me playing with you?^**_

_**#Yeah?# **_A vague memory was beginning to come back.

_**^Do you remember how she screamed at me for over an hour, about how I was a dirty, filthy freak, for touching myself like that.^**_

_**#yeah# **_L'il Harry whimpered.

_**^Do you remember the boiling pot of cooking oil she threatened to dunk you in if she ever caught me playing with you again.^**_

_**#Okay! Okay. I get the point. A childhood trauma is making you reluctant to rub one out. I get it.# **_L'il Harry shouted. _**#But what about-#**_

_**^Jerking off in a room full of boys my own age doesn't really do it for me, either.^ **_Harry retorted, thinking of the Hogwarts dorms he lives in nine months of the year.

_**#Two words; Privacy Charms!#**_

_**^Ah, no.^ **_The idea of accidentally opening his eyes, and seeing his dorm mates while at the point of orgasm turned him a little green. He didn't need another trauma.

_**#Another two words; Morning Showers!# **_L'il Harry was not going to give up, now that he was able to actually communicate with the one in control of the hands on this body they shared. The occasional wet dream just wasn't enough anymore.

_**^You have a one-track mind, you know that.^**_

_**#Well, duh! **_**One**_** of us has to think about it, 'cause you surely wont.#**_

_**^Hey!^ **_Harry hissed at his pants. _**^Excuse me for having other priorities. Y'know, like staying alive! I do have a psycho after me, remember.^**_

_**#Details, details.# **_L'il Harry seemed to wave that excuse away_**. #Now, I believe we should take this conversation somewhere a little more private.#**_

_**^Why?^**_

_**#Because a young man sitting in a children's playground, hissing angrily at his pants is **_**not **_**a good look Your rep in this neighbourhood is already bad enough, **_**without **_**adding to the 'mystique'.#**_

Harry looked up and around at that. Sure enough, a couple of the worst local gossips (after his aunt Petunia) were scowling at him from the opposite end of the small playground. _**^You may have a point.^ **_Harry reddened as got off the swing and headed for a more secure location to continue their conversation.

_**#Of course I do. It's blunt, too!#**_

Harry groaned as he ran his hands through the bird's nest he called his hair. _**^Are you always going to be this juvenile?^**_

_**#Oh yeah! I'm always going to be a bit of a dick.# **_

Harry groaned even louder at that excruciatingly bad pun.

#_**And I have **_**years**_** of material to use, now that I have a captive audience.# **_L'il Harry chuckled. _**#Buckle up, kiddo…#**_

* * *

**THE DURSLEYS**

Over the next couple of days, Harry experimented with the communication now possible between him and L'il Harry.

It turned out to be fairly inconsistent at first, actually. It seemed to rely more on his subconscious desire for conversation than anything else. However, he soon began to figure out a few tricks to opening a dialogue, as well as begin to get his head around the weirdness factor of talking to one's own block 'n tackle. He also found that he didn't have to talk in Parseltongue to communicate with L'il Harry, or even talk out loud. Thinking was just as effective now that initial contact had been made.

And one night, he found out that it wasn't just his _own _Trouser Snake he could hear…

-:Kill me:-

Harry jumped up off his bed. "What? Who said that?" He asked groggily as he grasped around for his wand. (Not _that _one, you pervs! The holly and phoenix feather one.) He had been sound asleep in his bedroom at the Dursleys when he heard the plaintive voice calling for death.

-:Kill me:-

_**#Oh that. That's just, well…# **_L'il Harry paused. _**#I'm sure you know by now **__**what**__** it is.#**_

"Huh? Oh. Right." Harry frowned. "So, who's bloody…" He threw up a little in his mouth as the identity of the owner of the todger with the death wish narrowed sharply. "Oh no way in hell!"

-:Kill me:- Came the plaintive cry again. -:Don't make me go back there again. Not twice in one month!:-

_**#'Fraid so. Vernon's about to get his end away. And since you can't perform magic here, I'd advise putting as many pillows over your ears as you can manage. The peanut's a bit of a screamer.#**_

-:OH DEAR LORD, IT'S COMING RIGHT AT ME!:-

Harry quickly started jamming every bit of material he could find into his ear canals. His left ear was full of a hastily-chewed wad of parchment, (a trick he'd learnt by accident, trying to block out Hermione during her annual end-of-year exam freak-out.) and his right unfortunately acquired a bunched-up pair of yesterdays unwashed boxers. To no avail.

-:_NO! __**NOOOOO! AAAAAAHHHHHH**__mrflle_…:-

_**^I'm going to get a fresh mental trauma out of this. I just know it!^**_

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAAA**mrflflfle**AAAAAAAA**mrflrlrle**AAAAAAAA**mrflflflfle**AAAAAAAA**mrflflflrle:-

_**#Cheer up. It'll be all over in a few minutes, at most.#**_

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**^Oh dear lord make it stop!^**_

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**#At least he's getting some!#**_ L'il Harry said petulantly.

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**^We are **__**not**__** having **_**this**_** discussion **__**NOW!**_Whoever said that dicks had a one-track mind was _not _kidding.

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**#All I'm saying, is that you have a 'bad boy' rep in this neighbourhood.# **_L'il Harry groused. _**#Sure, their parents look at you like you're fresh out of prison. But their **_**daughters **_**drool over you like a slab of non-fat, sugar-free dark chocolate.#**_

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**^I don't think…^ **_Harry paused as what his little friend had said percolated through his outer thoughts. _**^Really?^**_

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**#Oh yeah!# **_L'il replied slyly. _**#If you actually looked around, instead of walking through life in a perpetual sulk, you might notice these things every now and again.#**_

-:**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrflflfle**AAAA**mrffle**AAAA**mrflfle**AAAA**mrflflrle:-

_**^…we'll finish this conversation later.^**_

-:**AA**mrfle**AA**mrfle**AA**mrfle**AA**mrfle**AA**mrfle**AA**mrfle**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl:-

_**#Oh goody. He's nearly done.#**_

-:**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl**AA**mfl…:-

_**#Hmph, he lasted about thirty seconds longer that he usually does.# **_L'il Harry commented absently. _**#Must have been a frustrating day at the office.#**_

_**^And that is my new number one on my list of things I really didn't need to know. Ever!^ **_Harry groaned. _**^Right next to the last five minutes.^**_

-:Don't just roll over and fall asleep like an overfed swine. _Wash me! _Make me pure once again. Uncontaminated and pristine, like the virgin I so long to be once more.:- Wailed the voice from the master bedroom of the Dursley residence. -:I feel so dirty! So used! So unclean!:-

_**^You and me both, mate. You and me both.^ **_Harry commiserated.


	2. Hogwarts

**Parseltongue lets me talk to **_**What?**_

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: The Harry Potter universe is owned by J. K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, and Warner Brothers Pictures, amongst others. Nor do I claim to own any other copywrited works mentioned in this fic. I only own the few brain cells I haven't managed to kill off or drive away screaming yet.

Notes: As you may have guessed by now, this isn't going to be an in depth account about Harry's fifth year. I'm just going to be skipping through it in a few chapters merely to portray some pretty juvenile humour, hopefully for your amusement.

_**^Parseltongue^**_

_**#L'il Harry#**_

-:Other 'other' wands:-

* * *

**CHAPTER TWO:- HOGWARTS**

It had been a remarkably busy month or so, during which Harry had been attacked by Dementors in Little Whinging, Surry, charged with underage magic, almost thrown out of the Dursley home, brought to his godfather's ancestral home, been tried in front of a full session of the Wizengamot, found not guilty, and finally sent back to school.

During all this, Harry had not clearly heard any other trouser snakes talking, just a low level background hum. Not at the Ministry of Magic. Not during the trial. Not even at Grimmauld Place. Although, he could swear that whenever Sirius Black and Remus Lupin were in the same room, he could hear the faintest strains of singing. They seemed to be doing duets, usually either of the songs 'Hound Dog' or 'Werewolves of London'.

Even L'il Harry had been rather quiet, possibly not wishing to distract Harry from saving both their heads. In fact, Harry had heard nary a peep out of his pants until they were sitting down for the welcoming feast which signified the start of his fifth year at Hogwarts.

* * *

_**#I sense a disturbance in the Force, young Potter.# **_L'il Harry solemnly intoned, making Harry jump slightly in surprise.

"What-?" Harry started, then realised that he was going to get some very strange looks if he started talking to his pants in the middle of the Great Hall. Well, stranger than usual.

_**^What-?^ **_He stopped again. Parseltongue wouldn't be much better.

'_What are you talking about?' _He thought.

_**#Wow, three goes to get it right!# **_L'il Harry smirked.

'_Oh shut up! What are you talking about, a disturbance?'_

_**#Well, you remember how it felt being near the Dementors?#**_

'_Yeah?'_

_**#Kinda feels like that.#**_

'_What?' _Harry looked around the hall frantically. _'A Dementor? Here!'_

_**#I don't think so. It just feels like one. It's all I can do not to invert myself and head for the kidneys.# **_

'_Hunh. Weird.' _Harry shrugged as he settled in to listen to Dumbledore's announcements for the start of the year. _'Keep me posted.'_

_**#Will do.#**_

* * *

The first day of school was an eye-opener for Harry. His new-found ability to understand trouser snakes was finally kicking in big time. (He had a half-formed theory that it had to do with a combination of the level of ambient magic in the castle, and prolonged physical proximity. Also, the smaller the crowd, the more distinct the individual 'voices' became.) It was also causing him to reassess what he thought he knew about the people he went to school with.

It started with him being woken by an oddly synchronised amount of grumbling being done by his fellow dorm inhabitants. It took him a few minutes to realise that he was actually hearing two sets of complaining about waking up for the school day coming from Seamus Finnegan, Dean Thomas, Neville Longbottom and Ronald Weasley.

Making his way to the great hall for breakfast, he found that he was still only hearing indistinct murmurings coming from waist high around him, and not well-defined voices. It wasn't until he tried focusing on individuals, that the voices themselves came into focus.

It was a long time afterwards before he could bring himself to not stare at his fellow Hogwarts inhabitants in horror, wonder or just plain freaked-out.

* * *

**Neville Longbottom**

-:Gosh, it's a nice day. I hope nothing happens to me in classes today. I just want to stay nice and warm, curled up in my clean, comfortable, white Acromantula-silk underpants, not causing my Neville any problems at all. No getting angry for me! Hi guys! Isn't it a wonderful day. Wow, the sun's bright today. Great for growing plants. Like Mandrakes. I hope the Mandrakes don't get too loud. They sound like Gran when she's unhappy. I don't like it when Gran's unhappy. She reminds me of Professor Snape. And he's always unhappy. I don't like him. He makes me want to curl up and make myself as small as possible.:-

'_What! In the fuck!' _Harry was stunned by the blathering stream of consciousness coming out of Neville's robes.

_**#Oh yeah, that's baby Nev.# **_L'il Harry chuckled. _**#He's a bit of a late bloomer. Most of the firsties sound like that until their balls drop, or they discover girls in second or third year.#**_

Harry snorted. _'He sounds like he's a special needs kid.'_

_**#Yeah, well, everyone's gotta start somewhere.# **_L'il Harry retorted grumpily. _**#**__**We**__** were there once too, you know. Their usually fine once puberty kicks in properly.# **_

-:Yep, I'm going to be as comfortable as possible for my Neville. I'll just lay here and stay quiet and out of the way. I don't want to make him angry enough that he'll choke me, like the other boys do. It sounds really painful, the way they grab themselves and shake them until they throw up. It sounds horrible, too. And the mess! It gets everywhere. So much cleaning up to do. I like things clean and tidy down here:-

Harry was fighting hard not to laugh incredulously by now. _'This is getting a little too surreal for me. I'm out of here' _He thought hurriedly. As he turned to walk away, another stream of babble caught his attention.

-:Oh hey, there's Ginny. I like Ginny. I especially liked dancing with Ginny during the Tri-Wizard Ball. It was fun. Oh dear, her bee-stings are still swelling on her chest. I wonder if their painful. I know it hurts Neville when a bee stings us. But I find that rubbing honey on the sting makes it go away quicker. I wonder if I could get Neville to offer to rub honey on her bee-stings, to help her swellings go down. I wonder why their called that? I should ask Seamus why. After all, he's the one that called them bee-stings first. Then again, when she heard him call them that, she kicked him very hard between the legs. I wouldn't want that to happen to me. Maybe I shouldn't get Neville to ask her, just in case she has that same reaction:-

"That's it. Time out!" Harry muttered as he finally got out of listening range. "I did _not_ need to know that."

_**#Not a bad idea though.# **_L'il Harry put in as he took mental notes.

'_What. The knee to the bludgers, or the honey bit?'_

_**#Merlin, you worry me sometimes, Harry. The **__**honey**__**, of course!#**_

'_Just checking.'_

* * *

**Ronald Weasley**

-:Oh for Merlin's sake, tighten up the twirl you idiot! And it's a _short_, sharp stabbing motion at the end. Not a bloody lunge. Your shooting a spell with your wand, not trying to run someone through with it! Miserable twit. Oh how I wish I was prehensile enough to hold that bloody wand myself. I couldn't do any worse than this gormless tit. I'd honestly give a testicle for an opposable thumb down here. For pity's sake, _watch your bloody aim!_:- The prissy voice coming from Ronald Weasley's nether regions screeched its frustration.

Harry had been sending furtive glances at his best male friend all throughout charms. He had thought that Ron's, er, other wand, would be similar to the boy's own personality. Possibly interested in nothing but food, or somesuch.

Guess again.

_**#Yeah, well, one end or the other has to do the real thinking, and I guess these two flipped a coin for the privilege at some point.# **_L'il Harry had said, when asked about the situation. _**#The bet at the moment is over who's personality he's actually based upon. Hermione, or his brother, Percy.#**_

'_Is it wrong to want it to be Percy, if only for the name?'_

L'il Harry chuckled. _**#Nah. Not at all.#**_

'_And the fact that it sounds uncannily like Snape inhaling helium?'_

_**#Yeah, that freaks me out, too.#**_

They both shuddered.

* * *

**Seamus Finnegan and Dean Thomas**

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

'_Are those two like that all the time?' _Harry shouted mentally, trying to be heard over the din. His ears were starting to bleed, listening to the screaming match going back and forth between his two dorm-mates.

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

_**#Pretty much.# **_L'il Harry replied, shouting back. He was trying to get his head between Harry's testicles to block out the sound of the argument.

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

'_I am so putting up a silencing charm tonight.' _Harry muttered darkly. While he wasn't against those two debating over their favourite piece of the opposite gender's anatomy, doing it at full volume for hours at a time was a bit much.

* * *

**Draco Malfoy**

-:I'm too sexy for my robes, too sexy for my robes, my silky robes:-

'_Oh now what?' _Harry groaned. He had been heading down for breakfast this particular morning, when he had heard a voice so filled with arrogance and entitlement that he just _knew _who it belonged to before he had even followed the voice back to it's owner.

-:I'm too sexy for my hair, too sexy for my hair, yeah baby yeah _yeah_:-

_**#Aw crap.#**_

-:'Cause I'm a Malfoy, you know what I mean, I do my little strut in the Great Hall. In the Great Hall, the Hogwarts Great Hall, I strut my funky stuff in the Great Hall!:-

'_I know I'm going to regret asking this, but why is that poncy ferret mutilating 'I'm too sexy', by Right Said Fred?'_

Harry nearly felt the sigh coming from L'il Harry. _**#'Cause Draco got laid last night.#**_

"He fucking what!" Harry growled. Luckily, he had been sitting alone at the far end of the Gryffindor table, so no-one overheard his barely muffled outburst.

_**#You heard me.#**_

'_Who'd sleep with a slimy turd like that?'_

_**#Depends. Keep an eye on who sits down opposite him.#**_

Harry grumbled about the injustice of it all as he did what he was told. He then went a little green as he noticed that both Pansy Parkinson and Blaize Zabini took the appropriate seats. _'Your shitting me! __**Both **__of them?'_

_**#Yah. Draco is what's known in the trade as a Tri-Sexual.#**_

'_Tri-Sexual?'_

_**#Yeah, he'll 'try' anything once.#**_

Harry groaned at the bad pun.

_**#And if he really likes it, he'll come back for more, over and over.#**_

'_You mean…?'_

_**#Uh-huh. He's British, a Pure-Blood, the self-styled Prince of Slytherin, supremely arrogant, has an inherent belief that he a superior being **__**and**__** that the world bows to his whims, and has a shitload of money and power behind him. Whomever he can't seduce on his own merits would fall into bed with him just to avoid falling afoul of his father. Frankly, I'm surprised that he hasn't hit on **_**you **_**yet, simply for the challenge.# **_

Harry grimaced. _'Ew! No way in hell!' _He scowled. He also began to consider in earnest L'il Harry's words to him before they had left Privet Drive, about starting to open his eyes to the opportunities around him, dating-wise. No way in hell was he going to let go of the fact that Draco Malfoy, of all people, was getting his end away on a regular basis. It was time to start exploring some options.

Ah, jealousy. The great motivator.

* * *

**Umbridge**

After a disastrous Defence Against the Dark Arts lesson with the Ministry of Magics mouthpiece at Hogwarts, Madam Delores Umbridge, Harry found himself standing outside her office, about to start his first detention with her.

_**#Oh hell! It's her!#**_

'_Her?' _Harry started a little. L'il Harry had been relatively quiet recently. _'Her, who?'_

_**#Her!# **_L'il Harry was actively shrinking by now. _**#Umbridge is the one I've been feeling since we arrived at Hogwarts.#**_

'_Oh Merlin, don't ever say that in relation to that ugly toad-woman.' _Harry swallowed a particularly wet burp as his stomach churned at the thought of L'il Harry being _that _close to _that _woman in any sort of sexual way.

_**#What?# **_L'il Harry asked, confused. Then, what he had said filtered through. _**#Oh dear Lord and baby Jesus, wash me in bleach for even hinting at such a thing, Harry!#**_

Just then, the door opened, and Harry was ushered into the office. It wasn't until after Harry had realised exactly what his detention would entail that L'il Harry had recovered enough to speak again.

_**#Harry, we have to get out of here!# **_

'_Not an option right now.' _Harry growled internally. His Evan's stubbornness gene was kicking in, big time. This toad-woman was not going to get him to fold.

_**#Damnit, she's a Penimentor!# **_

Harry actually stopped writing for a second, such was his confusion. _'A what?'_

_**#Penimentor.# **_L'il Harry repeated, as if that explained everything. _**#A penis Dementor. Umbridge is so friggin' ugly that she sucks all the sexual mojo out of anyone she's around.# **_L'il Harry was writhing around violently by now, such was his discomfort.

'_Oh Merlin. I don't have time for this absurdity.' _Harry moaned to himself. _'And stop mentioning that woman and sex in the same sentence. My gag reflex is only able to hold back so much.'_

L'il Harry was ignoring him by now, trying to figure out a way to survive this detention with his mojo intact. 'Cause he knew that with Harry's stubborn streak, it was not going to be the last one they shared.

_**#Okay, the big guy is capable of minor amounts of wandless magic.# **_He thought, referring to the way Harry's wand had lit up while it was out of his hand during the recent Dementor attack near the Dursley's. _**#I'm considered the 'other' wand often enough. Gotta try it.# **_Mentally screwing up his courage, L'il Harry shouted,

_**#EXPECTO PATRONUM!# **_

Sadly, other than a momentary tingle, it had no real effect on the crushing anti-libido field being produced by Umbridge that filled the room.

_**#Damnit!# **_L'il Harry screamed. Thinking furiously, he snapped his fingers, metaphorically speaking. _**#Wait a minute. I'm not a wizard. I'm a dick.#**_

Ignoring the quiet but firm _'Got that right' _from Harry, L'il Harry took in another metaphoric deep breath, and shouted again.

_**#EXPANKO PENINIUM#**_

'_Oh you've got to be shitting me.' _Harry muttered as a warm, content sensation spilled out of his robes beneath the desk and spread over the room. It even seemed to affect Umbridge slightly, much to Harry's disturbance, as she leaned over him and made a comment about not making much of an impression on him yet before letting him escape the room.

'_That was so messed up.' _Harry thought as he fled the area.

_**#And in so many ways, too.# **_L'il Harry agreed.

* * *

More notes: oh man, I think I managed to squick myself with the end of this chapter.


	3. Snape, Dumbledore & Hermione

Parseltongue lets me talk to What!

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: I think we all know by now that no-one other than me would admit to writing this story. Having said that, I do not own any part of the copywrited material that is collectively known as 'Harry Potter'. J.K. Rowling, Bloomsbury Publishing, Warner Brothers, amongst others, have that distinction. Any other copywrited material mentioned belongs to it's owners as well, instead of me. I'm just doing my bit to contribute to the collective lowering of humanity's level of intelligence.

Notes: Here we are, part three of my descent into juvenile humour.

* * *

**SNAPE**

Harry was once again in the dungeons with the rest of the Gryffindors, awaiting his regular dose of bile from the Hogwarts Potions Master, Severus Snape, when L'il Harry piped up.

_**#Oh boy. I'd forgotten about this loony.#**_

'_Huh?' _Harry began to sweat somewhat. Considering what he had experienced recently, and who had been his guide, hearing this about Snape was not good news.

_**#Snape's little Slytherin is a bit… off.#**_

'_How so?' _He enquired reluctantly.

_**#You'll see. Personally, I think he's been testing his potions on himself a little too much to be considered healthy…#**_

Just then, the door slammed open. Dark robes, oily black hair, and a sneer nestled comfortably beneath a rather prominent nose swept dramatically in to the room in a swirl of blackness.

-:Yes. YES! Fear me, you wretched wastes of sperm and egg. Look upon me and despair. For I am the darkness that resides at the heart of you all. I am your loathing, given form, reflected back upon you to show the utter worthlessness of your existence. I am the undeniable truth, and proof of your miserable lack of both intellect and wit. And I will crush you. Your mind. Your heart. Your very _soul! _For you mindless Inferi to even _try _and become even remotely competent at my chosen speciality at this particular time is to challenge the very Gods _themselves_…:-

_**#Focus on the lesson, Harry.# **_L'il Harry distracted Harry's attention enough for him to realise that Snape had already started the lesson and put up the instructions on the board.

'_Merlin's member! Is it always that bad?'_

_**#Nah. Sometimes he goes on about how he's actually a vampire, and that's why he has to stay hidden from the light#**_

Harry briefly wondered whether it would be worth the massive loss of house points to vanish Snape's robes and see whether his crotch would actually burst into flames at being exposed to sunlight before turning to dust.

"Do pay attention, Potter." A hated voice sneered behind his left ear. "I would _so _dislike to have to fail you for not paying attention in class. Again!" Snape announced loudly for the benefit of the students in the Astronomy Tower who might not have heard him.

Harry grimaced and refocused his attention on the instructions on the board, grudgingly admitting to himself that he deserved that one. "Yes, Professor."

_-:…all by myself, don't wanna be, all by myself…:- _

Harry frowned as Snape swept past him to return to the front of the classroom_. 'Where the heck did that come from?'_

_**#Good question, actually# **_L'il Harry replied, just as confused as Harry. _**#I've heard it a couple of times in the past. And I only seem to hear it when the greasy one is nearby. And it's definitely not his trouser snake saying it, either#**_

They both looked to the front of the room. -:He keeps me trapped in here for your safety, you know:- The voice began sounding eerily similar to Vincent Price now. -:For I am darkness. I am death. I am the one who will steal your last breath, and you will love me for it. Your life's blood, is the blood of my life. You feed me, so that I can go on. FOREVER! For I am the secret desire within you, the desire for your worthless existence to have some faint meaning before the end. _Your _end, so that I will NEVER END! I AM ENDLESS! I AM IMMORTAL! _**MOO-HOO-HAA-HAA**_:-

'_That's gotten really old, really quickly.' _Harry grumbled.

* * *

**DUMBLEDORE**

While Harry had been frantic to get to the headmaster to explain that Arthur Weasley was even now possibly bleeding to death in that strange, stone corridor, he was also looking forward to being in the man's presence for the first time since before school had started. Maybe he could get some answers this time as to why the old man had been avoiding him.

_**#Be careful what you wish for.# **_Had been the only thing L'il Harry had said as they ascended the staircase.

_-:..._I'm not the man you think I am at all, ah no no no. 'Cause I'm a _Rocket Man_… _:- _A surprisingly strong tenor voice emanated from beneath Dumbledore's voluminous robes as the headmaster looked up from his internal musings and stared at the late night group of intruders into his office.

'_Did he just…?' _Harry stammered as he tried to impart the necessary urgency needed to get everyone moving, and rescuing Mr. Weasley.

_**#Buckle up kiddo. Your in for an interesting visit.#**_

* * *

_**Time passes**_

* * *

'_Dumbledore's …thingy… sings Elton John's greatest hits all the time?' _Harry shook his head as he shook off the effects of taking a Portkey from the headmaster's office to Grimmauld Place with the rest of the Hogwarts Weasleys.

_**#Or Queen. Or Peter Allen.# **_L'il Harry replied calmly. This was all old news to him._** #His version of 'I go to Rio' is quite sprightly, actually.#**_

'_Damn, you'd think I'd have reached some sort of threshold by now, wouldn't you?'_

_**#…after Draco's little wriggler, maybe.#**_

'_And it's name is 'Gandalf'? Who the heck's Gandalf anyway? Maybe Hermione would know?'_

L'il Harry grunted a shrug. _**#Probably. At least the wrinkly old todger wasn't singing 'We are the Champions' at the top of his lungs this time.#**_

* * *

_**HERMIONE**_

"Harry? Do you have a minute?"

Harry looked up from the desk he was sitting at, startled. He had been totally engrossed in the notes he had been forced to start keeping after the first D.A. meeting to keep everything straight in his head. He was still in the Room of Requirement, and he had thought he was alone. He was also still recovering from the train wreck that had been his first attempt at a relationship with an older Ravenclaw by the name of Cho Chang, and liked the time to himself to nurse his bruised ego back to something approaching its normal state.

"Um, sure Hermione. What's up?" He asked, become more than a little curious about how she was acting.

Hermione was fidgeting.

Harry's internal alarm bells started ringing frantically. The last time he had seen her acting like this, she'd sprung the idea of the D.A. on him.

"Harry, something's been…off…with you for a while."

"Well yeah."

She looked up sharply at that. Maybe this would be easier than she thought.

"Umbridge. The disaster that was Cho."

Or maybe not. "I mean before that. Before we even started school, even"

"Dementors in Little Whinging. A trial in front of the full Wizengamot."

Oh dear, now he was getting defensive. It was always harder to get an admission out of him when he started digging his heels in. _'That boy is so stubborn, sometimes.' _She huffed inside her head.

"_Harry!_" She stomped her foot lightly to interrupt him. "While they are very good reasons, they are not the ones I am looking for."

"Huh?" Harry grunted, cocking his head on it's side in affected confusion.

'_Ah-hah!' _Hermione crowed internally. While her best friend was giving her his best confused look, she could spot the signs that he was being evasive. He had stopped meeting her eyes, and his shoulders were becoming slightly hunched, a sure sign that he was trying to avoid admitting something.

"_Harry_…" She drawled out.

Harry sighed and lowered his head. _'How should we handle this? Tell her? Or not. Either way, she's not going to let this go any time soon.' _He conversed silently with his lap.

_**#I could live with the bushy-haired goddess of knowledge handling me for a while.# **_L'il Harry replied, becoming excited at the thought. _**#As long as she was gentle. Or maybe just a **_**little **_**rough, if you know what I mean?# **_Harry could almost hear the lecherous wink in that statement.

It was also a sign that he was spending far too much time talking to that particular part of himself, that he found himself entertaining the possibility L'il Harry was alluding to without blushing.

"Harry, why are your cheeks going red."

Or maybe not.

"Hermione…" He sighed. "Yes, your right. Something else has come up since last year."

_**#Damn straight!# **_L'il Harry giggled, then gasped. _**#Whoa! Holy crap, make her do that again!#**_

Harry looked up to see that Hermione had been bouncing on the balls of her feet with the excitement of getting proof that her supposition had been correct. That bouncing was having an interesting effect on the front of her school uniform, which was, in turn, having an interesting effect on Harry. _'Daaaamn! How long has she been hiding __**them**__. And __**where!**__' _

"Harry?" He blinked, and found Hermione looking at him, slightly concerned.

"What? Ah, nothing."

_**#Didn't look like nothing to me.#**_

'_Shut up. This is going to be weird enough as is.' _He grunted as he gathered his thoughts and tried to figure out a way to explain L'il Harry without coming off as stranger than he already was. "Okay. Um…do you know of any spell that can transfer magical…traits, I guess."

"Um…" Hermione's eyelids fluttered as she scrolled through a mental list of the spells she knows. "Not off the top of my head. Why?"

"Because I discovered a…novel… application of Parseltongue over the summer break. And, quite frankly, you will _not _believe me unless you can also become a Parselmouth for a bit."

"Oh." Hermione pouted, utterly disappointed at having her moment of triumph snatched away from her so cruelly like that. "Okay. Give me a chance to search through the library, and I'll get back to you in a week or so."

"Fair enough." Harry agreed, glad to have the reprieve. "Anything else?"

"What? Oh, no. Not really." She replied, already mapping out her search pattern in her head. "See you back in the common room. Don't stay here too late." She said distractedly as she exited the room.

_**#Hate to see her leave. **_**Love**_** to watch her go.# **_L'il Harry chuckled.

'_Oh shut up.' _Harry groused.

_**#Your not disagreeing with me, I notice.#**_

'_Really, shut up.'_

_**#I wonder why she simply didn't ask the Room for what she needed?# **_L'il Harry asked out of nowhere.

Harry blinked, looked around at the Room of Requirement he was in, then began chuckling. "Good question. And I am not going to ever point that out to her."

_**#Why not?#**_

"Because I like you where you are, and in your current shape and form."

L'il Harry gulped. _**#Good point. Let us never speak of this again.#**_

* * *

A 'week or so' turned out to be closer to two and a half weeks, before Hermione once again cornered Harry in the R.o.R..

**-FWUMP-**

Harry nearly crapped himself as Hermione slammed a large, old and dusty tome on the desk in front of him.

"Gaah! Bloody hell, Hermione." He shouted as his heart began to resume it's normal rate of beats-per-minute.

"Oh, don't be such a princess." She retorted, her eyes alight with both amusement and excitement.

Harry glared at her briefly, before turning his attention to the ugly purple book in front of him. He knew his friend would need a minute or two to compose herself. She was still a bit flushed after the end of a long and successful hunt, and it would be a while before she would be coherent enough to answer questions intelligibly. "Okay, what have we got here…" He lifted the tome with a grunt, and got a feel for the weight of the thing. He then looked at the cover, and nearly dropped it in shock:

THE BIG BOOK OF AWESOMELY CONVENIENT & TIMELY SPELLS

By

Deus Ex Machina

'When You Absolutely, Positively Have To Enchant Every Motherfucker In The Room,

Accept No Substitutes!'

Harry looked up at a now composed Hermione in shock. "Hermione, what…?"

"I know, I know, the tagline's a bit over the top." She shrugged, willing to let a bit of profanity slide in the face of so much previously undiscovered knowledge. "But, from what I've skimmed so far, it can back that claim up. And it has the spell that we need." Reclaiming the book from Harry with surprising strength, she flipped it open at a book marked page, then spun it around and shoved it back at Harry. She then placed a finger on the spell. "There."

Harry leant in and began reading. "Okay, so it's a variant of a common duplication spell, only instead of physical things, it duplicates magical skills instead. It's also only a temporary effect, the actual duration depending on the power of the caster." He looked up. "Yeah, your right. It seems to be what your looking for."

Hermione actually squee'd at that.

Harry blinked, before shaking away his surprise at her reaction. "I'll need to study it first, and practice a bit, before I try it out on you." Ignoring her pout, he began reading the page in it's entirety.

It was another couple of days before Harry felt confident enough to attempt the spell.

"Okay, here we go: _Transtuli_ Parseltongue!"

With that incantation, Harry touched his wand tip to the front of his head, where traditionally the third eye would be. When he felt the sensation the book had described, he removed his wand and placed it gently against Hermione's forehead in the same position. The glow that had come from him, flowed from his wand tip and into her skin.

"Feel anything yet?" He asked, slightly nervous.

"Um, yeah. A little." She replied. "Say something in Parseltongue."

"Uh, okay." He flicked a mental switch. _**^Can you understand me, Hermione?^**_

_**^Wow! Yes, I could.^ **_She said, more than a little surprised.

_**^Huh. Looks like you can now speak it, too.^ **_Harry replied. _**^No wonder people freak out when I talk like that. It does sound a little creepy.^ **_Having never heard Parseltongue spoken by another person before, Harry was surprised at just how much hissing was involved just to say a simple sentence. Hearing Voldemort speak didn't count. He was a creepy bugger full stop, no matter what he sounded like.

Hermione said a few more sentences, adjusting to the strange way her tongue was now working, then refocused on the object of today's purpose. _**^Okay Harry. Explain this new variation of being a Parselmouth to me, please.^**_

Harry shifted from foot to foot nervously_**. ^Um, I can speak to, um, mumblemumblemuttermutter…^**_

_**^Could you say that again, Harry. And in a way that I can understand.^ **_

She smiled sweetly as she spoke, which Harry knew to mean that she was about to start hitting him over the head with the heaviest book within reach. Considering that the only one currently within arms reach was a horrible purple colour and weighed in at about ten kilograms, he blurted it out in a rush; _**^I can talk to penises!^**_

_**^There, that wasn't so hard-^ **_She paused as what he had actually said percolated through her thought process_. __**^What?^**_

_**^I can talk to, well, my other wand.^**_

_**^…^**_

_**^Really!^**_

_**^…^**_

_**^Hermione, say something. Your starting to scare me.^**_

_**^This is a joke, right?^ **_She growled. _**^Your having me on, aren't you?^**_

_**^I wish I was, Hermione.^ **_Harry said earnestly.

Hermione opened her mouth, paused, and shut it again. Closing her eyes and taking a few deep breaths, she exhaled slowly before looking at him again. _**^Okay. As I'm sure you can understand, I am finding that statement a little hard…somewhat difficult to believe.^ **_She grimaced at the disturbing double-entendre she had been about to say. _**^Can you offer me any proof?^**_

Harry blinked. _**^Your taking this a little calmer than I expected you to, Hermione^**_

_**^Yeah, well, after almost five years of Trolls, Basilisks, three-headed dogs, rides on the backs of Hippogriffs, flambéing professor's robes, and Ron's eating habits, I have to admit that it's getting easier to accept the strange situations I sometimes find myself in.^ **_She grinned slightly. _**^Especially when your involved.^**_

_**^Fair enough.^ **_Harry agreed, returning the small grin. _**^Gimme a minute.^ **_He asked, before blushing and turning away from her and starting to whisper.

It took a moment before Hermione cottoned on to what was about to happen. _**^Um, Harry? I don't think-^ **_She started to blush as he turned around to face her again.

Nothing.

_**^Harry, what?^**_

_**^Wait for it.^ **_He interrupted, the redness of his cheeks deepening in colour.

_**^Harry-^ **_She spoke again, before hearing something just on the edges of comprehension. A whisper that was rapidly growing louder;

_**#**__…your tits! Show us your tits! Show us your tits! __**Show us your tits! SHOW US YOUR TITS! SHOW US YOUR TITS! SHOW US YOUR OWW!# **_

_**^Knock it off. You've made your point.^ **_Harry growled and yelped at the same time, having just smacked himself in the crotch to shut L'il Harry up.

_**#See if I come to the party, next time your feeling frisky.# **_L'il Harry grumbled before focusing on a completely shocked Hermione. _**#Do you see how he treats me. Do you! No respect at all.#**_

Hermione continued staring at Harry's crotch.

_**#Hey! Bushy-Haired Goddess of Knowledge! Either use that mouth to join the conversation, or start putting it to OUCH!# **_L'il Harry shouted after being smacked again. _**#Damnit! Stop **_**doing **_**that.#**_

_**^Stop being disgusting, then.^ **_Harry retorted, wincing again. It was going to be a long, painful day if he had to keep hitting himself there to keep L'il Harry in line.

_**^It talks.^ **_They both refocussed their attention on the other person in the room. _**^Oh God, it really talks.^**_

_**#I can do a lot more than that, hot stuff. All you have to do is ask. Nicely!#**_

_**^Merlin help me.^ **_Harry groaned.

Hermione's yes were shifting from Harry's face to…lower, and back. _**^This isn't a trick, or some weird kind of ventriloquism?^**_

_**^Ah, no. Unfortunately.^ **_Harry squirmed uncomfortably under her gaze.

Hermione took a moment to process that. _**^And…is your, um…thingy…the only one…^ **_She gestured vaguely, while blushing madly.

_**^Ah, no. It seems that once I switched on this…whatever it is,^ **_He waved to himself helplessly. _**^all of them started making their opinions known.^ **_He sighed as the ludicrousness of the whole situation overwhelmed him. Again. _**^I have been exposed,^**_ He winced at that unfortunate turn of phrase, _**^to some truly weird shit lately. You wouldn't believe what they talk about all day.^**_

_**^So that's why you've been giving some people weird looks lately.^**_ She stated. _**^It's kinda what clued me in, originally, that something was going on with you.^**_

_**^So…now what?^ **_Harry asked.

_**^Um, I have to think about this.^ **_She shrugged helplessly. _**^It's a lot to process. Can you give me **_a few days…oh poopie." She exclaimed as the spell ended.

"Take your time, Hermione" Harry switched back to English with her. "It's pretty messed up. Believe me, I understand."

"Thanks Harry." She smiled coyly at him. "I, um, I'm going to go now." She finished lamely. With one last look at his pants, she stumbled out of the room, smacking into the doorway as she went. One final distracted wave, and she was gone from his sight.

_**#That went well, don't you think?#**_

_**^Do shut up.^**_

* * *

Notes: well, one more to go. (It's okay to wince at the thought. I did.)


	4. Hermione again, Voldemort, Etc

Parseltongue lets me talk to What!

By: Tezza1502

Disclaimer: Even I don't want to admit to this one. You really think J.K. is gonna kick up a fuss about it?

I also make no claim to any songs or other copywrited material that may be mentioned in this fic. It's all in good fun, folks. No harm meant, nor ownership implied.

Notes: After the insanity of the last three chapters, you'd think that I would have had enough of this wouldn't you.

Sadly, there is one more to go.

Strap yourselves in, kiddies. This is going to get really effed up! In fact, I think I may have finally gone a bit too far…

**WARNING: PWP**- **P**arody **W**ithout **P**lot!

_**^Parseltongue^**_

_**#Harry's, well, you know.#**_

-:_Not _Harry's you know:-

Another Note: Many thanks to my Soulmate for suggestions and Beta on this last chapter. The squick factor wouldn't have been anywhere near as high without her input. Thanks Love!

* * *

_**HERMIONE (again)**_

It was a lovely Sunday morning. Perfect for the chance to enjoy a leisurely stroll around Hogwarts, especially if you didn't have a destination in mind. Merely a wish to go for a walk, and greet your fellow magic learners.

It was a bit _less _enjoyable if you were a female student who had demanded to be given the gift of Parseltongue temporarily, just before you ventured out for your leisurely stroll…

* * *

-:Good morning, oh bushy-haired goddess of knowledge.:-

* * *

-:Greetings, oh queen of research.:-

* * *

-:Oh, there's Hermione! Hi Hermione! Isn't it a wonderful day. Makes you glad to be alive, doesn't it? Such a nice, sunny day. Good for growing plants and growing boys. Why, I feel a song coming on. 'Oh, I'm a lumberjack, and I'm okay. I sleep all night and I work all day…':-

* * *

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits!:-

-:Arse!:-

-:Tits… oh, yeah, climb those stairs fast. Piston those legs. Work the glutes. Go, you bushy-haired goddess of knowledge.:-

-:HA! I knew it. All hail the finest arse in Gryffindor!:-

* * *

-:She might be a mudblood, but I'll bet she'd make great filling in a Draco/Harry sandwich. I wonder if that delicious Gryffindor Golden boy would come to the party if I could swing that?:-

* * *

-:Damnit, how am I supposed to get her to be the font of magical knowledge and share her bounty if you keep grazing the dining table like a Dementor at a day care centre? We've been over the rules of polite consumption before, you red-headed food compactor. Close mouth, _then _chew! And don't open it again until its empty. Repeat until sated. Miserable twit.:-

* * *

Hermione was feeling a bit queasy.

She had asked/forced Harry to practice with the spell on her until she could retain her acquired Parseltongue ability for a couple of hours. She had then demanded that he accompany her on a walk around the school, so she could hear for herself what was being said by the various boys she shared a castle with. Nothing Harry had said was able to deter her from taking the next logical step in her study of this… quirk… Harry had discovered with his Parselmouth ability.

"Fine! On your own head be it." He had huffed and thrown his hands in the air when she wouldn't be deterred. L'il Harry had been chortling insanely the whole time.

It really should have been a clue as to what she was letting herself in for.

* * *

-:COR! I WOULDN'T MIND A SLICE OFFA THAT!:-

Harry and Hermione looked at each other, startled by the deep booming voice that had come from behind them somewhere.

_**^Where the bloody hell did that come from?^ **_Harry hissed sub vocally.

_**^Beats me.^ **_Hermione shrugged. _**^It wasn't Hagrid again, was it?^ **_She whimpered. Hermione had become a little leery of being around the Care of Magical Creatures professor lately. Harry hadn't managed to warn her in time before she had been assaulted by a demanding and strident call for 'rumpy-bumpy' from Hagrid's nether-regions in the great hall.

It seems that being a half-giant meant that normal sexual relations were practically impossible for the large man. Which to Harry's mind, explained Hagrid's rather determined romantic pursuit of Madame Maxime, the Beauxbatons Headmistress and half-giantess herself, during the Triwizard Tournament the year before.

It also meant that Hagrid's swinging club was more than a little frustrated, and was not shy at all about expressing that fact. Where it picked up the idea's and requirements it demanded from all and sundry was a mystery to Harry. He didn't think that Hagrid hung around with the type of people who did that sort of thing to themselves and others.

With the quality and quantity of filth spewing forth from beneath those animal furs and pelts, Harry reckoned that it could make a hag blush. He certainly picked up a minimum of three new types of perversion every time Hagrid sat down to dinner in the great hall.

Having it loudly describe what the sound of a centauress' hipbones being cracked was like never failed to put him off his meal, though. Cross-species jiggy-jig was _so_ not his thing!

_**^Ah, no. He's got a class of firsties at the moment.^**_

_**^Good!^ **_She shuddered. _**^And I'm glad that they can't hear that pervert ranting. I've heard more than enough, these past few days.^**_

Harry decided not to remind his friend that she had no-one but herself to blame for that. She was getting a little too accurate with her stinging hexes of late. _**^Well, the only people behind us just then were a pack of snakes. Mostly Draco and his sycophants. And I am, rather sadly, familiar enough with what they sound like to remove them from contention. So it must be someone from another year.^**_

* * *

It took a while, but they managed to rule out that the owner of the booming voice was _not _any of the boys that had been present that day. Which left a mystery. Which meant that Hermione's incessant need to know everything kicked into high gear once more, and she began trying to figure out how to narrow it down. Harry finally put his foot down when she began hinting at brewing Polyjuice to infiltrate the Slytherin dorms again.

Serendipitously, they were exiting potions class when they heard it again. (By this time, Hermione was insisting that Harry hit her with that spell enough times to cover her for the entire day.)

-:OH YEAH! I LOVE THOSE PERT, ALABASTER CHEEKS. I BET YOU HAVE YOUR BLACK SILK BOXERS ON, THE ONE'S WITH THE SILVER TRIM. LOOK AT THAT ARSE SHIMMY IN THOSE TIGHT TROUSERS!:-

Harry and Hermione quickly glanced around.

-:MMMM! OH, I'LL MAKE YOU MINE, MY PRETTY LITTLE SNAKE. MINE ALONE. YOU'LL NEVER LOOK AT ANOTHER MAN EVER AGAIN AFTER I'VE HAD MY WAY WITH YOU.:-

_**^Can you see him?^ **_Hermione asked.

-:OH YES MY BEAUTIFUL BLOND LITTLE BOTTOM BOY, YOU'LL TAKE IT FROM ME LIKE THE SLUTTY LITTLE FERRET YOU ARE.:-

_**^Not yet.^ **_Harry replied, looking carefully at who was leering at Draco Malfoy's bum. It really couldn't be anyone else who was being watched, after hearing that disturbing pet name.

-:AND IF YOU'RE A REALLY GOOD BOY, AFTERWARDS I'LL EVEN LET YOU CHOOSE WHICH HOLE...:-

_**^Okay, what the fuck?^ **_The inflection on that last comment was weirder than usual. In a moment of…something… Harry took his eyes off the guys for a moment. _**^Oh HELL NO!^**_

_**#No. Fucking. Way!# **_L'il Harry did a mix between a snigger and a retch.

_**^Did you see who it was?^ **_Hermione demanded as she came over to Harry.

_**^Yeah.^ **_Harry replied weakly.

L'il Harry started gagging. _**#Jeez, I don't think even Hagrid's todger could come up with something like **__**that**__**.# **_

_**^Who? Who was he?^ **_She demanded, getting annoyed that those two were holding out on her like this, after all their searching.

Harry, looking pale and unsure whether to laugh or cry, just pointed. Hermione followed his finger to Draco. Or, more accurately, to the person standing directly behind Draco, leering openly at his backside as they followed the blond Slytherin up the stairs. _**^You have got to be shitting me?^ **_She said, her hand going up to cover her mouth in her shock.

_**^Millicent Bulstrode?^**_

* * *

"So, Millie's a… hermaphrodite?" Harry said in an unsure manner. "Did I get that right?"

Harry and Hermione were sitting on a rock overlooking the Black Lake, absently throwing bread crusts to the giant squid. After that morning's startling revelation, they both needed some fresh air.

"Yes. And I believe the politically correct term these days is intersex." She replied in a distracted manner, still trying to get her head around what they had discovered earlier that day.

_**#If it looks like a dick, and talks like a dick…# **_L'il Harry retorted.

"Oh shut up." She growled, not really in the mood for smart-arse comments from her best friend's pants.

"What I want to know, is how the heck has she kept it a secret." Harry mused aloud. "I mean, it's hard enough to hide it when a _guy _is nursing wood," He stated blandly, ignoring the deepening blush on Hermione's face as he spoke, "but _her?_ And in a skirt, too!"

"Um, I'm guessing either a very localised _Fidelius _charm, or an especially strong _Notice-Me-Not _charm."

"Or both." Harry nodded, then looked at her with a weird expression for a long moment. He then swallowed a cough as his lips pursed and twisted.

"What?"

Harry tried to wave her away. Failing, he turned away from her as his shoulders started to shake.

"Harry, what?" Hermione insisted, putting a hand on his shoulder and turning him around.

To find him trying to hold in a giggling fit.

"_Harry_…" She growled, unable to figure out what was so funny, and not likilng being left out of the joke.

"…can't say, you'll kill me…" He sniggered from behind his hands, that had come up to contain his chortling.

"Considering that I'm already actively contemplating hexing L'il Harry if you _don't _talk, that is swiftly becoming a moot point."

_**#For God's sake man, spill it. I don't like that look in her eye.# **_L'il Harry pleaded as he had nowhere to hide at this close range.

Harry got himself under a semblance of control as he prepared to talk quickly, then run for his life.

"Second year."

She nodded sharply, not seeing what that had to do with anything.

"Polyjuice?"

She huffed impatiently and started withdrawing her wand from it's hiding place.

"Who were you going to turn in to, Hermione?"

Hermione blinked, then shuddered.

"And you thought being a cat girl for several weeks was the _worst _thing that could have happened to you, back then."

She snarled and pointed her wand southwards. Then huffed as it was plucked out of her hand with a Seeker's reflexes and hurled over her shoulder.

By the time she had retrieved it, Harry was far away, still laughing like a maniac as he raced for the entrance of Hogwarts.

* * *

**VOLDEMORT**

After the mess at the Department of Mysteries, and Dumbledore's subsequent explanation of things that Harry felt he really should have been told about months, if not years ago, Harry found himself wandering about the grounds of Hogwarts, pondering.

He had taken to going for long walks around the lake, just to get away from everyone. And while he was grateful to Ron for shushing Hermione whenever she looked like trying to get him to talk about Sirius, he was also feeling a little guilty because of his friends getting injured while helping him. So it was easier for him to stay clear of them for a bit while he tried to process everything.

_**#Well, that was a balls-up of epic proportions, wasn't it.# **_L'il Harry sighed.

_**^Took the words right out of my mouth.^ **_Harry hissed back, not really caring if anyone came across him hissing at his crotch. He was still too far gone into depression to care right at that moment.

_**#At least we now know where that weird singing was coming from.# **_Harry's other wand continued. _**#I mean, really! What sort of bloody ritual requires you to cut off your twins? What the fuck kind of upgrade is worth sacrificing your happy-sacks for?# **_A shudder ran through Harry's pants at the thought.

_**^Beats me.^ **_Harry shrugged. _**^I know I certainly won't be trying it, that's for bloody sure.^**_

_**#You better bloody not, bucko!# **_L'il Harry shot back hotly_**. #I'll tie myself in a knot and let your eyeballs fill up with piss if you do.#**_

_**^Calm down. I already said I wouldn't, didn't I.^ **_Harry retorted. During the start of his encounter with Voldemort in the Atrium of the Ministry of Magic, he'd heard that lonesome singing again. He'd been catching whispers of it all year at Hogwarts, usually in potions. It wasn't until he was face to face with the dark lord that he twigged. It was Voldemort's little Slytherin, whining piteously about what had been done to it in the name of travelling 'further along the path to immortality' than anyone else.

The whole time he was being taunted by the dark lord, all he could hear was the songs 'One is The Loneliest Number', and 'All By Myself' being moaned in the background, like a demented soundtrack to the entire encounter.

Then Dumbledore turned up.

Well…

Hearing 'Anything You Can Do, I Can Do Better. I Can Do Anything Better Than You,' sung at full volume by Dumbledore and Voldemort's tallywhackers while they duelled was probably more mentally scarring than almost all of the preceding events of the night.

It was almost a blessing when Voldie tried to possess him. Anything to stop that awful bloody duet.

_**#Yeah, who'da thought that the dark marks could broadcast stuff like that. Still, now we know.# **_L'il Harry put in. He didn't like the way his happy-time provider was brooding so much lately. And he was at quite a loss over what to do about it. His options were limited as to what he _could _do, unfortunately. So, he was doing what he could. Like now. Trying to keep things light, and drawing the conversation away from Sirius when he could.

His success rate was pretty crappy, but, he was trying.

_**#Come on, lets head inside for the leaving feast.# **_He added lamely.

On their way through the castle halls, they came upon Luna, putting up notes for the return of her property before the students had to get on the Hogwarts Express. It was a sobering encounter for Harry, forcing him to realise that while he was suffering, he wasn't alone in his loss, and that others might know what he was going through. It was the kick in the pants he had been needing to pull him out of his funk. By the end of the short conversation, he was feeling, oddly, a little better.

"Have a nice holiday, Harry." She smiled.

"You too, Luna." He returned softly.

She took a few steps towards the great hall, before pausing, and turning slightly.

"You have a nice holiday too, L'il Harry." She said with a slight colouring of her cheeks, before skipping off at great speed.

Harry stared at where she had been standing with shock_**. ^Did she just-^**_

_**#Uh-huh.#**_

_**^How Did-^**_

_**#Dunno.#**_ L'il Harry chortled suddenly. _**#Maybe you should try and find out next year.#**_

Harry blinked, all thoughts of Sirius banished from his mind with this new puzzle before him_**. ^…maybe I will.^**_

L'il Harry continued chuckling as Harry began moving again. Finally, something had happened that would not allow the teen to brood uninterrupted over Sirius for the whole summer. Luna's comment would be guaranteed to pop up and distract Harry at random times. He'd make sure of it.

_**#Thank you, Luna.# **_

* * *

_**LEAVING FEAST**_

As the great hall filled for the final feast of the year, Harry looked around and stared at the other students, wondering how they could be so uncaring, so happy, so carefree, after such tragedy-

_**#Stop Emo whining like a little bitch and tuck in, Potter.# **_L'il Harry snarked. _**#We've got at least a month of enforced dieting to look forward to over the summer break. So fill those rosy cheeks of yours with food like a chipmunk, and put what you can't eat into your pocket.#**_

_**^Your simply oozing with sympathy, aren't you.^ **_Harry shot back.

_**#That's about all I ooze, since you won't play nice with me.# **_L'il Harry retorted, causing Harry to groan.

"Are you two fighting again?" Hermione asked quietly as she took a seat next to Harry.

"No more than usual." He grunted. "Spell's still working, huh?"

She nodded. "Anything I can help with?" The look on Hermione's face showed that she regretted her words about a half-second after they left her mouth.

_**#HELL YEAH!#**_

"You really should know better by now, Hermione." Harry winced as he casually dropped his hand below the table and pinched himself.

_**#OW!# **_L'il Harry yelped. _**#Aw c'mon, she's the one who offered! Why are you pinching me?#**_

Harry sighed and resumed people-watching as he waited for the tables to fill up. Eventually, his gaze landed on Luna Lovegood, over at the Ravenclaw table. Watching her sit at the end of the table, having a quiet conversation with Padma Patil, he pondered again whether she actually _knew _about the conversations he had been having with himself this year, or whether it was the strange girl's version of flirting.

Suddenly, she turned her head and stared at Harry unblinkingly for a long moment, before blushing and returning to her conversation. Padma looked at who she had been looking at, then at the girl seated next to her. Harry watched as the Ravenclaw Patil tried to find out what was going on between the blonde and himself, apparently without success if the frustrated smile on her face was anything to go by.

"Great. She _does _know. Something else to bite me on the arse next year." He grumbled as the food finally started to be served to the hungry students.

"Something going on between you and Luna, Harry?" Hermione enquired, pointedly ignoring Ron's table manners, and the admonishments coming from Ron's little Percy below the table over said eating habits.

"Huh? Um, not that I know of." He shrugged. "We just had an… odd conversation earlier. Helped me put a few things into perspective."

"You sure you don't want to ask her out next year?" She smirked. "While I admit she does have a… unique… way of looking at the world, she'd have to be better than Cho."

"A bloody garden hose'd be better than Cho." Harry muttered, a little unkindly. "Drier, too."

"Besides, I think a change in perspective would do you the world of good, Harry." Hermione added.

"Speaking of a change in perspective, Hermione," Harry grinned, taking the chance to steer the conversation away from him, and tweak his friend's nose a bit while he was at it, "I hear that Snape's been complaining about his supply of shredded Boomslang skin mysteriously vanishing again."

Hermione swallowed nervously. "Really?"

"Really! Powdered Bicorn horn's been coming up short, too."

"How about that." She muttered, avoiding Harry's eyes.

"Yeah. If I didn't know better, I'd say that that some enterprising student was brewing Polyjuice potion."

Harry raised his cup of pumpkin juice to his lips, and paused. "Again."

"You don't say."

Harry smirked at the way Hermione was trying to make herself smaller in the seat next to him, while a Weasley-class blush engulfed her face. "Furthermore, I noticed that Millie was momentarily distracted from her Draco ogling slightly over a month ago, by someone yanking a hair or two out of her scalp."

"Fascinating."

"Isn't it?"

"Uh-huh."

Harry watched her out of the corner of his eye as she reached for her goblet to take a large gulp of juice. "Figured out how to shake off properly yet?"

The Marauders would have stood and clapped. He timed his comment perfectly. Hermione spat the mouthful of pumpkin juice across the table, and covered every bit of both Ron _and _Neville that was visible in front of her.

Ignoring the sputtered complaints coming from across the table, Hermione rounded on a smirking Harry and growled at him. "I hate you, Harry Potter."

"So you did do it." Harry grinned, finally confirming his pet theory that Hermione had indeed brewed Polyjuice potion, and taken a certain hair sample to put in it. She'd been wearing an odd grin recently, and this explained things nicely. "Have any good conversations?"

Harry didn't think it was possible, but Hermione's blush actually deepened. _**^All it did was talk about sex. continuously. How do you put up with that all the time?^ **_She said sub-vocally.

_**^Practice. Lots, and lots, of practice.^ **_Harry sympathised.

_**#Well duh! What did you expect, Shakespeare?# **_L'il Harry put in. _**#We are your reproductive system. Human's reproduce through SEX! What else are we going to talk about?# **_

_**^I don't know? Something. Anything! And don't even start with me about the mess…^ **_Pausing in shock, she buried her face in her hands. _**^Oh my god I can't believe I just admitted that out loud.^**_

Harry sniggered. _**^Well, I was going to make a comment about how more than two shakes is a wank when your in the loo, but you just ruined that line.^ **_

Having had his fun for the time being, Harry left Hermione alone for the rest of the feast. Hermione, in turn, glared at him for the same amount of time, pointedly stabbing and hacking at the sausages on her plate before cruelly mauling them. Harry was able to ignore the performance. However, the rest of the males seated nearby winced and cringed the whole time.

* * *

Finally, the feast ended, and Dumbledore stood to give the end of year speech.

_**#Oh goodie! Sing along time.#**_

_**^Huh?^ **_Harry glanced downwards. Hermione also let go of her annoyance enough to lean in to hear L'il Harry's reply.

_**#Sing along time. Y'know, time for the end-of-year song.#**_

_**^You've lost me.^ **_Harry admitted.

_**#A fairly easy thing to do, I'll admit.# **_L'il Harry sighed. _**#It's like this; you lot get to sing at the start of the school year.#**_

_**^Uh-huh.^**_

_**#So, somewhere along the line, all the todgers decided to have a sing along to round out the year.#**_

_**^Uh-huh.^ **_Harry tried to work up some surprise, but frankly, he'd been tapped out of that emotion since finding out about Millie. _**^So, what do you lot sing? The school song, or something?^**_

_**#Naah! With all the muggleborn arriving every year, we get access to a very large pool of songs.# **_L'il Harry's voice dropped to a whisper. _**#Wizarding music is pretty bland and boring, so we usually pick a theme song that best represents the year that was, from the Billboard charts.#**_

_**^I'm almost afraid to ask, but what have been the songs since I started at Hogwarts?^ **_Harry muttered.

_**#Well, first year, everyone was excited by you coming back to the Wizarding world.#**_

_**^Uh-huh.^**_

_**#So, they went with 'Never gonna give you up', by some bloke called Rick Astley.# **_

Hermione snorted loudly at that.

"What?" Harry asked, confused.

"Hogwarts got Rick-rolled." She giggled.

Missing the joke, Harry returned his attention to his lap_**. ^Second year?^**_

_**#Um, some old disco song called 'Superstitious', by a bloke called Stevie Wonder.# **_L'il Harry shrugged. _**#I think it was supposed to be a pun about the Chamber of Secrets. I do remember a line in it, something about 'the writing's on the wall'.# **_

"Oy!" Harry face-palmed.

_**#Third year was the theme song to that movie, 'Ghostbusters', by Ray Parker Junior.#**_

"Oh, that's pretty bad." Hermione groaned. "Let me guess, the Dementors?"

_**#Got it in one, hot stuff!#**_

_**^Moving on…^ **_Harry prodded, even though he could easily guess what the next song would be by now.

_**#Fourth year was,# **_L'il Harry paused for a drum roll, _**#You guessed it: 'We are the Champions', by Queen.#**_

_**^I'll bet Dumbledore's other wand loved that!^ **_Harry groaned. _**^And this year?^**_

_**#Something entirely appropriate.# **_L'il Harry smirked.

Harry and Hermione listened as the male genitalia of Hogwarts began to sing as one.

"You know, that _is _appropriate, considering how this year went." Hermione stated after a minute of listening.

"Yeah, I guess so." Harry agreed, as L'il Harry sang at full volume about dark sarcasm in the classroom. "Yup, 'Another Brick in the Wall' by Pink Floyd is rather appropriate, I admit."

Before long, both Harry and Hermione were humming in tune to the song.

* * *

**_GOING HOME_**

Finally, Hogwarts was emptied of students, and the Express was steaming it's way towards London with its precious cargo.

The Ministry Six had commandeered a cabin for themselves. While the rest of the D.A. came and went over the course of the ride, these six pretty much stayed put the whole time, Hermione and Ron only leaving to do their prefect duties as required. Luna spent most of her time peeking over the top of her copy of the Quibbler at Harry, or under the bottom, before quickly snapping it back in position to cover her blushing face when he looked at her directly.

Harry grinned at her antics, especially when he noticed that she was so flustered that she was holding her Father's paper the right way up.

Neville looked back and forth between the two, before deciding that he wanted no part of whatever strangeness those two were engaging in, and buried his nose in a Herbology book.

Ginny oscillated between wondering how in Merlin's name her friend Luna had managed to capture Harry's attention like she had, and wondering wether or not she had somehow missed her _own _chance at the Boy-Who-Lived.

'_Heck of a year, huh?' _He thought.

_**#Yup. What say we work on keeping the next one a little more peaceful?# **_L'il Harry responded.

'_Sounds like a plan to me.' _Harry agreed, as he tried to get comfortable enough to snooze for as much of the trip back to London as he could. Once he entered Privet Drive he'd be busy trying to stay away from his relatives, so he was going to enjoy the last moments of quiet he would likely get for a month or so. For now, though, life was good.

**-THE END- **

* * *

Notes: That's pretty much it for this story. And yeah, it did kinda just taper off at the end. But then, so did the book. So, I present to you, an Omake!

RANDOM SCENE THAT I CAME UP WITH AFTER I POSTED THE FIRST THREE CHAPTERS: After all the talk of bits, and the manual manipulation thereof, there was really only one thing left to write about, IMHO:

**Harry's First Detention With Umbridge **

Harry entered Delores Umbitches…er, _Umbridge's _office for his first detention, and stopped.

Pink.

Pink was everywhere. The walls. The inside of the door. The ceiling. The desk. The chairs. Even the plush carpet was a dark pink. It was everywhere.

And the cats.

Wherever there was a break in the pink on the walls, there were cats in plates. Meowing. Yowling. Preening and licking themselves inappropriately. Wandering from plate to plate. Watching him. Judging him unworthy of being in their presence.

Fighting down a shudder, Harry entered further into the room. Stopping just before the desk, some primitive instinct made him look up, and over Umbridge's head.

Something was staring at him from a square plate that had been stuck to the ceiling. Unblinkingly, it watched him with the utmost intensity. Its wide eyes fixing him to the spot. It's attention never wavered, even after the other cats in the other plates grew bored and stopped paying attention to him.

"Ah. You noticed him."

Harry reluctantly drew his eyes away from what was watching him, its steady, unwavering gaze following his every movement. "What?"

"Ceiling Cat." Umbridge clarified. "He'll be watching you when I'm not." She smiled unpleasantly. Inviting him to sit, she spelled out what he would be doing for in his detention.

Harry was beginning to become very uncomfortable, waiting for the other shoe to drop while that bloody ceiling cat stared at him. He pulled up the chair to bring himself closer to the desk when his left shoe clunked against something under the desk.

"What?" Harry shifted back and glanced under the desk. He then jumped to his feet and swore as a pair of glowing eyes stared balefully at him from the darkness.

"And that is Cellar Cat. He'll be watching you too." Her smile went from unpleasant to outright disturbing.

'_What could it possibly be watching from down there?' _Harry wondered as he retook his seat. Several potential notions went through his mind, each more unsettling than the next. _'Y'know what? I really don't want to know. I just wanna get out of this effed-up room as quickly as possible.' _He decided as he tried to ignore the unblinking stare of Ceiling Cat, and the equally unblinking stare that he _knew _was directed at him from Cellar Cat.

Delores watched the naughty boy in front of her, her beady eyes drinking in his pain. He would learn his lesson. Oh yes, he would. And her Ceiling Cat and Cellar Cat would tell her if he was a naughty boy, and masturbated while she was out of the room.

Naughty boys would be punished.

* * *

More notes: if you don't know what Ceiling Cat and Cellar Cat are, YouTube it. It is, by turns, both amusing and disturbing. Especially the situations they put the creepy little buggers in.

Even more notes: Continuing the theme song meme from the _**Leaving Feast **_bit, Year Six would have been 'Stairway to Heaven', by Led Zeppelin. 'Cause of Dumbledore's triple-gainer off the Astronomy Tower. And Year Seven would have been 'Burning down the house', by Tom Jones. Although the version playing in my head as I wrote this was the Talking Heads one, from the first 'Revenge of the Nerds' movie.

And finally, the last notes for this fic: Well, here it is, in all its disturbing entirety. A story that was born from a random idea combined with a bit of personal inappropriateness. I hoped you all enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it. More, actually.

Read. Review. Retch.

Later! T


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